Having the desire for something can be very inspiring. The body releases a lot of hormones. We are activated, motivated and full of energy. A tingling in the stomach, a warming feeling and the desire to make contact increases. Sexual desire can also be extremely motivating, exciting and stimulating! But what if the lack of desire has crept in in bed?!
What causes the loss of desire?
There are many different reasons why people don't feel like having sex, and so do the reasons for it. Unsatisfying sex, routine, shame or even everyday stress, which manifests itself in many different ways, can all have an impact on sexual desire. Stress is the number one desire killer! Be it a stressful job, everyday family life with children, stressful situations, physical condition or serious illnesses that affect our libido.
The lack of desire can be an oppressive feeling that becomes more and more entrenched and does not go away on its own. Many people wish that everything would work on its own again and have this idea too. After all, everything worked when they first met. But the couples I support in sex therapy in Basel realize after a while that they have to work on it if sexuality is to be a part of the relationship. I make it clear to the couples that sexuality is a process. Sexuality can change and develop throughout their lives. This attitude motivates many people that they do have an influence and do not have to simply accept their situation.
When I talk about sexual desire , I mean the enjoyment and pleasure of sex. This is sometimes very different from sexual desire, which describes the desire for sex. It is an anticipation that can trigger the arousal reflex. This distinction is not generally made, I find this again and again in couples therapy . It is a key question when I ask about general desire in bed. I observe that many couples enjoy sex (= sexual desire), but the hurdle to actually engaging in sex (= sexual desire) is very high or is completely absent. The head and thus the thoughts have a significant influence on our physical desire for sex! How can couples get closer again? How can they show that they want to allow physical closeness?
What helps?
therapy
In therapy, we first work on why sex no longer happens. This can look different for each person. We then look back to the beginning of the relationship . Was sex seen as a resource? What enabled and supported sexual desire and subsequent pleasure? How does each person experience sex for themselves and can they express this in solo sex?
Physical exercises
Physical exercises , which are carried out in the practice while clothed, are intended to be the first attempts to find out how couples can meet at home in a pleasurable way. I refer to everyday situations such as exchanging glances, touching and the exchange of emotions, which have an effect on the experience in general. Even small interventions can trigger a lot in couples. I involve the whole body and thus the direct experience. Because changes on the experience level are more sustainable and holistic! So in order to banish the lack of desire from bed, our body is a treasure that we can develop throughout our lives.
The author of this blog post
Melina Dobroka
Sexologist MA
Sexologist FSS
Maltgasse 25
4052 Basel
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